I am so sleepy right now, and by right i should be sleeping now because in a few hours, i will be working and i need to stay fresh and awake, but how can i when i have so many things to let it out here, but where do i begin? No one really understood the journey that i went through in my love life. Though it always start beautifully for the first time when i knew it but in the end, it always end up as something that no one wants it to be. I really thought from experience i grew maturedly, but i just realised that it gets me more afraid, phobia and as a result i fear so much to take another step whenever i meet someone new. Its like, it always get me thinking that everyone is gonna make me fall for them very hard, and then left me heartbroken one day in the future and that's scary because i am someone who takes a long time in the process of healing, i am not good with coping losses and whenever im trying to get over the scar i'm trying to mend with, i always ending up more with new people and it's a never ending job and it's really painful and tiring because the outcome with all of these really affect you so much. The thing with me i realised that is i always go after jerks and if i happen to meet the nice ones, i would ignore em. I don't know why? I just don't know what i want in a companionship, maybe all i want is someone to love me, to really be there for me. Sometimes it amazes me how other people is so lucky to find someone who really love their partner, and i would always ask this myself that why can't i find someone who would treat me the same? Am i a really bad gf material? I admit, with all those shits i went through, i had a hard time trusting people with my heart. I would become too much paranoid and obsessive or even selfish, just because i dont want anyone else to share my place or my partner with. But apart from that, if i really did love someone, i would my best effort to make it the best and the wonderful rship he has ever had, but..no one really wanna give me a chance, because no one really understand.

And so here's to rahiman, i'm sorry because i hurt you too much. You told me that im nort worth of your waiting because apparently i don't know what i want. Though ive hurt you too much, you don't need to hurt me this way too, all along in our "fship", whatever mistakes you did, i forgive, i listen, we were still friends, but now? So i guess i must be a really a big bitch to you, that you hate me so much that even talking to me despise you kan? I know you're getting old, not any younger, i am too. I aint getting younger boy, who does not want to be loved. Whenever im with you, i admit i like the way you treated me, no one ever treated me as much as nice as you. But the one thing that im scared to take a step ahead with you is, you know it yourself. Im not being paranoid or selfish, i dont mind you making many girl friends, but nowadays i know what's gg on girl's and guy's mind. One day you claim you love me as much like hell, but one day later you gonna find myself as an hassle, you won't know all these things because you never really understood the pain in love, so whatever i had done to you is what i had feel all these 21 years with many diff kind of guys that i always thought the one. It may be hard for me to see you go, and to accept all those harsh word that you had utter to me, but since ive alr made a bad impression to yourself, i let you be. I hope one day, you realise what my insecurities meant, and i hope one day you realise tht this girl, have been hurt too much thats why she is afraid. So i let you go, with a heavy heart of course, and for now, please go and try to explore the meaning of love. If we have a way to come back together, we will, it all lies in God's hand now. So i wish you luck and best.

& you know what kind of boyfriend i want? Well he does not have to be perfect in every single way, even if he's imperfect in any ways, i will try to accept and love the way he is. All i need him to be is to love, to protect, to care, never try to hurt or cheat on me, someone who is afraid of losing me and someone who thinks im his world. This! but i guess this is too hard to ask for. ): & someone who still think im amazing even if i got so many flaws and insecurities in me, someone who will look me in the eye and say, "you're beautiful, in every single way of your own."