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November 30, 2010 / 3:08 AM
I wish, i could just pen down my thoughts and my feelings easily but i don't know how to start. To tell you a story of an aching heart. Sometimes, i realized that it doesn't pay to be kind or nice, because no matter what, people always look at your bad side. I don't know if i'm a nice person or not, but one thing for sure, at times, i really did put my loved ones above me, it's just that they don't see like what i see. I don't know who to blame? Me?Them?God? I just don't know. Ive been through so much, and it seems my life ain't getting any better but worsen. I'm losing of much hope, i'm tired and i just can't endure all of these anymore no matter what GOD thinks of me. I'm a human, and certainly i'm not perfect, if really GOD give me these test because he knows i'm a strong person, well I've to say that he's wrong, because i'm not. I'm broken into a million pieces, and i just can't fix myself up. The funny thing is, my parents always remind me that they're old, and their time might be up anytime soon, but what if my time is up too? What if, i went first before they do? I just don't know why, but no matter how much i try, i just can't get to end of the light. :'( No one really understand me, no one really understand my pain. They're not me, they don't get to feel what i feel and yet they say things that they don't really know about. I'm alone and yes i'm lonely, and it's very scary to be like this because when you're feeling down, you know there's no one to pull you through and all you can do is cry in your shower, and hug a lifeless toy who you depend on when you feel empty. Pathetic yes. I'm tired of all these drama that does not at all benefit me, i'm tired of making an impression of everyone. I just want to be happy, want to be loved and want to feel secure.
today, i cooked you an egg, afraid that you have not yet eaten, but when we called you to tell you that we cooked, you didnt even bother to respond. You know something, it hurts badly. It might not hurt amira, but it certainly hurt me most. Sometimes, why do even i bother? because no matter how much i try, i just know where i stand. :'( We clean 2 refrigerators today without telling you, but i guess again, our effort is gone wasted again. Why would you care anyway, you bother others feelings, but you just dont bother my feelings as much as theirs. I wished you could just see, just see. & to the other two, i guess you're happy enough. Yeah yeah you win. You people always win anyway. & please, i was there too once, and i know but you know what the difference is diyana? Atleast mom cares about you, your feelings, but me? None. That's the difference.
I really wish to go away soon, maybe amira is right, even our parents are still alive, we're all like this, what would happen if we all get old? Would history repeat itself like how it happen to one of our parents? Idn. But im sure, i just want to get away from here, as soon as i have sufficient money. Maybe this is better for me. To left behind everything, it doesnt matter anyway right? Im not needed. Even if i was, im just invisible to them.
