Im sorry for blogging twice today, i just need to let this out. You know, i've been trying hard, so hard to change for the better for this r'ship. All this time, i thought maybe i was the one who caused so much for this r'ship to take the downturn. I tried to be a better gf to my boyfriend, even if i find it hard for myself, to do so. All my life, trust have been the biggest issue. I don't know why, but i find myself hard to believe others, perhaps because of what i've heard, seen or went thru has teach me to be more extra careful. Being with suhaimi, isn't easy. He has done alot of this that hurts me, v v v deeply. Sometimes when i cry, when i'm sick, i ask myself, does he know tt im like this because of him? Look how much stress he has put on me? I know, i expect alot of things from him, i expect him to be this and that, and when things dont get my way, we will fight, and things will just get more worse. Nearly one month ago, we had a v big fight, and im glad we made this far to not to fight, we tried to compromise, and i tried to expect less, and i feel much more better. But whenever i try to let things go, i ask myself, can he be trusted? Will he do things that i dislike? Will he ever learn from his mistakes? Idn. All i want in a partner, is easy as 1,2,3. I want someone who can give me a feeling of secure, someone who would not cheat, someone who loves me as much as i love him, that's all. But, idn if suhaimi has all these 3 in him. Whenever, i let him go bit by bit, my fear overwhelmed me, i can't be at the same place thrice, i dont know when will he stop all these? What am i lacking that he decides to fling with other girls? Have i not been the best, and if so, why he still giving me these false hope? The hopes tt making me think tt he's worth it, tt everything is going to change for the better and stuff? Infact im wearing his ring now on my finger. After news of him cheating on me, i really never wear this ring ever, whenever i look at it, my heart ache. How could someone that i loved hurt me in such way? But only now i decide to give him his ring, and wear mine, when i thought he deserve all these, my trust, my patience and my compromise, but is he? I looked at him several times whenever im with him, trying to figure out his true feeling, does he really love me. Does he really want to be here? Idn, i just can't. Sometimes, i feel so guilty, maybe im not worth of him, maybe he can be with someone who looks good than me? Am i going this way again, sacrifice for my own happiness? Idn. I just dont know. I hate people lying to me, i really detest that. And to know tt its coming from you again and again, really tires me out. You bought me all these stuff, saying stuffs tt i really wished to hear, making me smile again, making me feel so peace, and yet you do things tt hurt me, really makes me speechless. Im just speechless. I just dont want to jump into conclusion, i will have to listen to what you have to explain than i will decide. Dear God, you have always been giving me test here and there, im aware your love for me, but im not tt strg, i may be appear like one, but im fragile inside here, my heart. If you keep doing this to me, im scared i might breakdown and just do something tt you wouldnt allowed. I beg you, please let me be happy, please let things be in my way for once, and please let my partner change for the better, please make him a good partner, and make him see tt the girl is standing right infront of him. :'(