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September 2, 2010 / 1:06 AM
It's gonna be a long post and most of it, will be bout my rship. So if you're not interested to continue, please exit. Here i am, at the corner of my house crying and crying. Sometimes when im done with crying, tears will automatically flow. No, im not being a crybaby. But this is natural, when you get or feel hurt, you intend to cry either you want it or not. Truth is i've been crying from yesterday that i think my bruised eye is getting in the way from my vision. I'm sad, totally am. No words can describe how much pain im enduring right now. I dont even know where or how to start, but im sure you can guess it right that what i have on my mind right now. I'm just like any other norm girls, all i wished is to be loved and care. I grow up in a big family and sometimes, i can't be the only one my parents would be paying attention to. When i was small, i wished and hoped that a prince charming would take me on a ride on his white horse, and bring me somewhere to make me feel happy. To be a place where i could feel loved and secured. I really can't wait to grow up, what more when i see my elders falling in love. But i only know and saw the good things and side only, i didnt know that apart from falling in love and being happy with a guy you love, you need to go through obstacles that can tear you, hurt you or kill you. This is to determine whether your rship is strong or not, and if both of you are make for each other.I only got to know this, when reality strike me when i was in my teenage years.
Yes, i was born completely perfect. There's nothing disabled bout me, but this world is about being completely perfect and if you're not, you would be facing alot and alot of things that could really demoralise you or your confidence. I know exactly what is my imperfections. Im not beautiful as others could be, i have no hour glass shape body for guys to ogle at, i have none of these, but all i know, i have something pure and something which i knw that could last forever that i could bring till the end of time, my heart. But the world is about more than that, exterior is more impt than the interior. I've had my fair share of rships, the happy ones, the sad ones, the heartbreaking ones.I go after the jerks, but the good ones, i never really find them interesting, idn why. But as you can see, i find myself more in the heartbreaking situation where i got lied,dumped,left or even cheated on. This is what you get, when you yourself aren't interesting in someone's eye. I finally had enough of guys taking advantage of my kindness. I wanted to stand up for myself, i told myself, i wont let anyone hurt me or even lied to me. No matter what, i'll defend myself, because i've gone through so much, something that i dont deserve at all. After months of finally adapting to singlehood, i met suhaimi.
He was v nice, v caring. He treated me like no one else could. I fell in love immediately, i was blinded. But at the same time i was hesistant, i didnt know what my future will be, but i was willing to take a chance with him. We had ups and downs, but it took me a big time, to realise, he wasnt the guy that i thought god has send me to loved me. He just wasn't. He cheated on me twice, always blaming me things, always saying things that hurt me and stuff. But yet, im still here. With a glimpse of hope that he would realise that how lucky he is to have me. To have someone who actually has sacrifice alot for him. Who hasnt give up on him yet despite how much she is enduring. Yes, Only God knows how much im enduring right now. But sometimes i cnt blame him, if i were him i would too be ashamed to have someone like me, who is ugly and fat. It's my bad,i should have let this go long time b4. I knew right from the start you were lying, and what kind of guy you are, but i always tot you wld change, but i guessed as much, you'll never. Never mind, i'll just have to learn that, i'm never gonna be impt in your life.
Dosent mean im smiling, or i appear to be okay, i've nothing that is hurting me. Truth is, life has been hard for me,so much. Please, you dont know how i lead my, if you know how, i'm sure you'll agree on this. This is life for someone like me. We've to live to impress others, we do things for others but not ourself. We cry ourself to bed, and still appear with a smile. I dont know why people is looking down on me, telling how bad i am? Really? Do you know as much as i do? Do you know all the lil things i do for my loved ones? Im not, if you try to knw me, you would know the real me. Yes, for my 21 years here, i nvr really had something that actually could make me smile as long as i could be. I agree that when i see my friends happy, im filled with jealousy, but im glad that atleast they dont face the same thing as me. Maybe, i wasnt born to be happy, it's okay. But i really hoped my life would turn 360 degree, soon. Im tired of crying, for something, for someone, for things that will never be. I just want to be happy, that's it. To be happy and loved, that's all i asked for. :'(
